


i've seen many places and faces but you look like home

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1940s, Alcohol, Angst, Character Death, Friends to Lovers, Immortality, M/M, New York City, Pining, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Slow Burn, Soldiers, T'Challa (Marvel) Is a Good Bro, Travel, Wakanda, World War II, bucky loves stars and steve loves bucky, bucky smells steve fighting, bucky's logic is Very off, if i had a dollar for all the sad concepts i've come up with for this i'd be rich, immortal bucky, just general sadness, kings of burying their feelings, they're both blind with love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-02-27 09:55:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13245783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Bucky is immortal. He's lived for centuries without getting close to anyone, and he wants to keep it that way.Then along came Steve.





	1. Chapter 1

1940\. 

Bucky had been to many places in his long, long life, but he had never gone to America. He figured that with Europe at war, he should stay away as long as he could.

He didn’t want to lose more than he had to.

He’d already lost his family and everyone he’d met over the centuries. It wasn’t his fault he was immortal. Being immortal seemed nice at first but seeing the people you love die takes a bit of a toll on you. So, Bucky had come up with a plan. He wouldn’t let himself grow attached to anyone again. He was going to spend eternity alone. 

Bucky had heard of America back in 1800s Italy. They called it ‘‘the land of opportunity’’. Many people went there for a fresh start. Bucky had thought to himself that he didn’t need a fresh start since no one knew him. So he never went. But when Hitler rose to power and the world was at war once again he figured he’d go. No place for him in Europe anyway. 

The destination he chose was New York City. 

\---

Bucky stepped off the boat. So this is America, he thought to himself. He had gone through the immigration centre quickly, since very few people were immigrating nowadays. Now he was in Brooklyn. 

He decided he’d find a hotel to stay and then find a bar. He wanted to celebrate getting to New York safely, he told himself. Really he just wanted to get drunk and maybe take someone back to his hotel and kick them out in the morning. Yes, that was a good plan. 

\---

Bucky had been in Brooklyn for two months now. He’d found himself a pretty good apartment and an okay job, just to have something to do. Nothing wrong with a little extra money. He had the day off today so he decided to go to the cinema. 

When he sat down inside the theatre they started playing some message to get people to sign up for the war. As if anyone would do that willingly. Bucky had seen way too much violence to have any interest in signing up. 

A few seconds into the commercial someone decided that their opinion had to be heard.

‘’Who cares? Show us the movie already!’’ the person yelled.

‘’Hey! You wanna show some respect?’’ another voice chimed in.

‘’Let’s go! Get on with it! Start the cartoon!’’ the other person yelled.

‘’Hey! Wanna shut up?’’ 

The owner of the first voice stood up and pulled someone, presumably the second voice, out of the theatre. 

Bucky decided to follow them.

\---

When he came out of the theatre he heard punches. He followed the sound to an alleyway. 

There was quite a large man there, repeatedly punching a way smaller man. The second voice, most likely

‘’you just don’t know when to give up do you?’’ the larger man said. 

‘’ I can do this all day’’ the smaller man said, with a lot of confidence. He tried to punch the larger man but failed.

Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. He barged over to the man and pulled him away.

‘’Pick on someone your own size’’ he told him. The man tried to punch him but Bucky dodged and punched him back. Then he kicked him away. The man ran away.

Bucky went over and helped the small man get back on his feet. 

‘’why did you talk to him? People like him just want attention’’ Bucky asked him.

‘’our soldiers deserve respect’’ 

‘’I agree with you on that, but there’s other ways to show it. What’s your name?’’ 

‘’Steve. Steve Rogers’’ 

‘’I’m James Barnes, but you can call me Bucky. Let me buy you a drink to make you feel better’’ 

Why did I say that, Bucky thought to himself. He’d promised not to get attached to anyone yet there he was, going to a bar with someone. This will go horribly wrong.  
Bucky and Steve walked into the nearest bar. Bucky ordered two beers and they sat down at a table in the corner. 

‘’so, are you in the army?’’ Bucky broke the silence. 

Steve sighed. ‘’No, apparently I have too many health problems. That doesn’t stop me from trying to sign up though. I’ve signed up more times than I’d care to admit.’’.

Bucky laughed. ‘’why do you keep trying then?’’

Steve looked at him. ‘’because I believe everyone should do their part.’’

\---

This was the most fun Bucky had had in a long time. It turns out that he and Steve actually had a lot in common. They were both outcasts, and it was quite easy to bond over that. Bucky felt for this kid. He realised it would be hard to push this one away, especially because he didn’t want to. 

Their apartments were actually quite close to each other. Steve saw this as an opportunity to see each other more often which he enthusiastically told Bucky. Bucky agreed with him. He’d been alone for too long. But Steve didn’t need to know that. 

After he said goodbye to Steve he walked home, lost in thought. Maybe getting attached wasn’t so bad after all?

\---

Have you ever met a person that just makes everything feel right? And okay? For the first time in his life, Bucky had. He knew he shouldn’t, but he was seeing Steve everyday now. Bucky doubted this a lot, seeing as he’d lose Steve eventually, but he figured that since Steve’s health wasn’t the best meant he wouldn’t go to war. So that gave them a bit more time together. 

Steve was pretty much the only reason Bucky decided to stay in New York. Bucky wasn’t the biggest fan of New York. It was so different to what he was used to. Europe is very similar everywhere you go, so there wasn’t much change. New York was full of people that wanted to talk to him. People wanted to get to know him, be friends with him and even ask him out on dates. 

Bucky had made friends with some of Steve’s friends. Dum Dum Dugan, Gabe Jones, Jim Morita, James Montgomery and Jacques Dernier. The seven of them often met for drinks, but Bucky liked it best when he and Steve were alone. 

Steve was different. He was small, but had a big personality. He’d been through a lot but he kept his head up high and stayed true to what he believed in. he kept getting into fights and losing, but there was something in him that made him stand up for what he believed in, and he would always face the consequences, no matter how bad they were. Bucky admired that. He’d spent a lot of time running away from his problems. He didn’t like to deal with anything if he didn’t have to. 

Steve barged into Bucky’s apartment. You could hear him wheezing from a mile away. He stopped to catch his breath for a moment, before walking into Bucky’s living room. 

‘’Hey Buck, the Stark expo is happening tonight, wanna go with me?’’

Bucky smiled. ‘’Of course! Just the two of us?’’

‘’Yeah, none of the other guys could come. That’s okay right?’’

Bucky nodded. 

Steve smiled softly. ‘’Let’s go then!’’

\---

When they arrived at the Stark expo the arena was already crowded. They managed to break through the crowd, Bucky was quite big so he walked through with Steve hot on his heels. They got close to the front when Howard Stark himself stepped on stage.

‘’Ladies and gentlemen, what if I told you that in the next few years your automobile wouldn’t have to touch the ground, at all?’’

Bucky leaned over and whispered into Steve’s ear. ‘’I bet you five bucks that it won’t stay in the air longer than a minute.’’

‘’Deal.’’

Howard flipped the switch and the car started floating. Oohs and aahs could be heard from the crowd as they watched the car levitate. 

Bucky stared at the car in awe. ‘’Holy cow’’

After a few seconds the car started shaking and sparks flew from the wheels. The crowd gasped as the car came crashing down.

Howard smiled at the crowd. ‘’I did say a few years didn’t I?’’

Bucky smirked and turned to Steve. ‘’You, good sir, owe me five dollars.’’

Steve chuckled. ‘’come on, let’s get out of here.’’

When they walked onto the street they spotted a registration centre for soldiers. Steve instinctively started walking towards it.  
‘’Steve, come on, not this again’’ Bucky grabbed his hand. Steve looked at him, puzzled. 

‘’I’ll do whatever it takes.’’

‘’As who, Steve from Ohio? One of these days they’re gonna catch you.’’

‘’I know you think I can’t do this, but-‘’

‘’This isn’t a back alley Steve, it’s war. There’s so many other important jobs.’’

‘’What do you want me to do, collect scrap metal?’’

‘’Yes! Why not?’’

‘’Bucky, come on! There are men laying down their lives. I have no right to do any less than them. That’s what you don’t understand. This isn’t about me.’’

‘’Fine. Cause you got nothing to prove. Look. I’ll let you do this one more time but I’m just gonna go home. Don’t do anything stupid.’’ He turned around and started walking the other way.

‘’How can I? you’re taking all the stupid with you!’’

Bucky turned back around and sighed at Steve. ‘’You’re a punk’’. Bucky hugged him.

‘’jerk.’’

Bucky walked home, disappointed. He really disliked the idea of Steve going to war. He just wasn’t built for it. In the wars Bucky had seen, the men were tall, muscular and strong. Basically, the opposite of Steve. He had the bravery, sure, but that’s not all. Bucky hated to say it, but physically, Steve was weak. His asthma didn’t make things any better. 

Bucky entered his apartment and threw himself onto the couch. What if things would actually work out for Steve this time? What if he goes to training and eventually war? Would Bucky have to go too? No, that’s ridiculous. Following a man who can barely fight into war? Who would do that? Certainly not Bucky. 

A few hours later someone walked into his apartment. Bucky sat up to see who it was.

Steve stood there, smiling. ‘’I’ve been recruited. I’m going to training.’’


	2. Chapter 2

‘’What?’’ Bucky sat there in shock.

‘’You heard me. I’m leaving first thing in the morning’’ Steve looked so happy.

Bucky frowned. ‘’First thing in the morning?’’

Steve raised his eyebrows. ‘’Is there a problem?’’

‘’No, it’s just- I’ll miss you. A lot.’’ Bucky looked out the window.

‘’Hey, you could enlist too! Maybe we’ll be a part of the same squad!’’ Steve grinned.

\---

Bucky never meant to enlist. He always thought it was stupid, so he wanted nothing to do with it. Maybe the fact that Steve suggested it made it make sense, just for a few days. Before he knew it he was lying in a bunk bed, surrounded by men he didn’t know and wanted nothing to do with. He and Steve didn’t end up at the same camp. Of course. Bucky regretted enlisting immediately. Waking up at 4 am to do some very physical work wasn’t exactly his cup of tea. He did have some of his friends there. But not Steve.

Months went by without Bucky and Steve seeing each other, but they wrote letters. Lots and lots of letters. Letters complaining about the physical training, letters complaining about the food, but mostly letters about how much they missed each other. They sent these letters at least twice a week. But then suddenly, Steve stopped writing back. Bucky kept sending letters to his camp, but no answer. Then Bucky stopped. He was devastated. What if Steve had been sent out without telling him? He’d be as good as dead by this point.

Bucky held his head in his hands. Day 68, no letters. Bucky was leaving. Sergeant James Barnes, of the 107th, shipping out for England first thing tomorrow. He sat down at his desk with a pen and paper. He figured he’d at least try and write Steve one last letter.

_Dear Stevie, I am writing to say that I’m going to England. First thing in the morning. I don’t know why you stopped writing. Did I do something?_

_I miss you, Stevie. A lot. Life isn’t the same without you. I know you would’ve made training easier. I hope your squad members treat you well. I know I would._

Bucky kept writing. Writing thoughts he didn’t even know he had. When he was almost finished, he stopped. Those three words kept going through his head. Because they were true.

Bucky loved Steve. More than anything. He loved the way his eyes shine when he laughs, he loved his floppy blonde hair, he loved how he was willing to stand up for himself and he loved how he blushes when he gets embarrassed. Bucky loved all of Steve.

He’d never felt like this before. He’d liked people, of course, he’d been in a few relationships before. But he never cared about a person this much. He ached when he wasn’t with Steve. Steve was his light in a very dark world. Bucky would follow him to the end of the world if he had to. He’d do whatever it takes to be with Steve. His Steve.

That night. Steve had been so happy. ‘’I’m finally doing what I was meant to do!’’ he told Bucky.

But Bucky was devastated. Devastated because he might never see Steve again. Steve could die, without him knowing. Or even worse, they’d both survive the war but Steve would marry a woman. A nurse. They’d have kids. A big house. White picket fences and a dog. And Bucky would be forced to run away, because Steve can’t see how he doesn’t age. He can’t see how Bucky was cursed. Steve would die happy, surrounded by his children and grandchildren while Bucky would live forever.

He was angry. Angry at himself. Angry at the war. Now he had to enlist, because he’d follow Steve anywhere if it meant they’d be together. But they weren’t even together. And the war would tear them apart. They’d come back as different people. And maybe those people wouldn’t get along.

_I lov-_

No. He couldn’t do it. He doesn’t feel the same way, he thought. He couldn’t do this to Steve. It would ruin their friendship. Right? Right.

Steve would be confused, angry, hurt and he’d just cut Bucky off. Which Bucky didn’t want. Not yet.

He quickly scribbled over it and finished writing his letter.

_I miss you._

_Bucky._

He put the letter into an envelope and sealed it. He quickly wrote Steve’s camp address on the front and ran with the letter to the mailbox. On his way back it started raining. Heavily. Bucky couldn’t help but think of the time when he and Steve had got caught in the rain and ran back to his apartment. They’d made hot chocolate and stayed on the couch for hours. Bucky had almost told Steve then. But he didn’t. And he regretted that so badly.

Steve had gotten a fever from the cold so he stayed at Bucky’s for a while. Those were the best days of Bucky’s life. Bucky only felt true happiness when he was with Steve.

\---

1943, Italy.

150 men from Bucky’s unit had been captured by Johann Schmidt, including Bucky. They’d been forced to build components for a super plane which they were going to call The Valkyrie. Bucky eventually contracted pneumonia, which his fellow men tried to hide from Schmidt’s men but they found out and took him to an isolation ward to experiment. It was times like these where Bucky wished he could just end it all. The pain was too much to endure, but he had to live through it.

That day he laid strapped to an examination table, having just undergone an experiment. The experimenter, Arnim Zola, suddenly froze and started gathering his things. Bucky didn’t think much of it, since he was barely conscious. Suddenly a man walked up to his table and said something. He looked almost, familiar?

‘’Bucky, it’s me, Steve’’ the man looked at him and started undoing his straps that were tying him down.

Suddenly Bucky’s mind cleared up.

‘’Steve.’’ He smiled as wide as he possibly could.

But Steve looked different. He was tall, buff and fit his clothes well. He looked good.

Steve pulled him up from the table and slapped him lightly on the cheek. ‘’I thought you were dead.’’

‘’I thought you were smaller.’’ Steve pulled him up to his feet but Bucky had difficulties holding himself up so Steve had to support him. Bucky didn’t mind at all.

‘’what happened to you?’’ Bucky asked as Steve started running.

‘’I joined the army.’’

Steve quickly explained what had happened as Bucky regained power in his legs. He’d been injected with a super soldier serum, which made him bigger and stronger, and his immune system was better. He’d been travelling all over the USA to promote war donations, and was now in Italy to perform for servicemen. He’d heard that Bucky’s unit had gone missing and was there to get them.

So Steve hadn’t forgotten about him.

‘’Did it hurt?’’ he heard himself ask.

‘’A little’’

‘’Is it permanent?’’

‘’So far’’

The building was beginning to explode, and Bucky and Steve were in the middle of it. they ran up a flight of stairs and over a bridge when they heard a voice.

‘’Captain America!’’ Bucky and Steve looked up. _Captain America?_ , Bucky thought to himself. _Is that what he’s called now?_

The voice belonged to Johann Schmidt. Steve began walking towards him.

‘’I am a great fan of your films! So, Dr. Erskine managed it after all! Not exactly an improvement, but, still impressive!’’

Steve punched him.

‘’You’ve got no idea.’’

Schmidt punched him back, but hit his shield. Steve pulled out a gun but Schmidt punched him back before he could use it. He dropped the gun into the bombs. Steve kicked him in the chest. Bucky observed all this, in disbelief. How did Steve learn to fight so well?

Zola pulled a switch which caused the bridge they were fighting on to split in two. Schmidt stood up again.

‘’There’s something Erskine didn’t tell you. You see, I was his greatest success!’’ he began pulling away his skin to reveal a red skull. Steve and Bucky stared at him, with disgust and disbelief.

‘’You don’t have one of those, do you’’ Bucky wondered.

Steve didn’t answer.

‘’you are deluded, captain. You pretend to be a simple soldier but in reality, you’re just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind! Embrace it proudly! Don’t fear!’’ Schmidt kept going.

‘’Then how come you’re running?’’ Steve yelled after him, as he got into an elevator with Zola.

Schmidt didn’t answer. As the elevator closed more bombs went off. The building would collapse on them if they didn’t hurry.

Steve grabbed Bucky and they ran up the nearest flight of stairs. They were stuck.

‘’Over there! There’s a beam’’ Steve pointed at a beam around 50 meters away.

‘’we can climb over it, there’s a door on the other side.’’

They ran over to the beam.

‘’you go first’’ Steve looked at Bucky.

Bucky obliged. He didn’t want to have to explain his ‘situation’ now. He just wanted to get out safely. With Steve by his side.

Steve helped him climb over the railing. Bucky stepped forward. One step forward. Two steps forward.

The beam started shaking underneath his feet. Bucky couldn’t help but wonder, what if this could kill him? He’d never attempted blowing himself up before. If this were any other situation he’d let go. But Steve. Steve had come back for him. And that’s what kept Bucky going.

Another step forward. The beam started to break. Bucky froze, and looked back at Steve. ‘’Keep going!’’ Steve yelled.

So Bucky did. After a few more steps the beam broke even more. If Bucky didn’t hurry up he was going down with the beam. He started running while the beam was falling from underneath his feet. When he reached the end he jumped and caught on to the railing in front of him. He climbed over and turned around.

The beam was gone, but Steve was still on the other side.

‘’Find me a rope or something!’’ he yelled at Steve, hands shaking.

‘’Just go!’’

‘’No! Not without you!’’

What if this was the last time they’d ever see each other. He would really lose Steve. Bucky shuddered at the thought. Come on Steve, you can do this. It was as if they’d thought the same thing at the same time. Steve bent the railing in front of him and backed away. Bucky’s eyes grew wide. He was not about to seriously do this. Steve took a deep breath and ran, and then jumped, as the rest of the bombs went off around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the comments and kudos! they mean a lot <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is quite shorter, but i really love this chapter anyway! it's very sad so be prepared lmaooo and thank you again for the comments, kudos and bookmarks! i see them all and i appreciate them <3 i have a twitter, its @hidllestonamd i tweet a lot about steve and bucky so if u want to follow me youre welcome to do so!

Pride.

 

Pride was not enough to describe what Bucky felt at that moment. When he, Steve and 150 other men marched from the HYDRA base to the US army base, Bucky felt so much more than pride.

 

Watching his best friend become the leader he was born to be felt spectacular. Bucky couldn’t keep his eyes off Steve. He marched with so much confidence and grace. It was mesmerizing.  This is what he was meant to do. The soldiers had all looked at him with admiration when he ran out of the burning building, with Bucky by his side. Steve had wanted this all his life, and now he had it. and Bucky got to witness him blossom.

 

When they approached the base the soldiers there started cheering loudly. Steve turned to Bucky with a soft smile that said more than words ever could.

 

‘’I’m glad to be back with you, Buck.’’

 

Bucky’s heart may have flipped. Just a couple times.

 

\---

 

Once they arrived a woman walked up to Steve.

 

‘’You’re late.’’ she stared at him.

 

‘’I couldn’t call my ride.’’ he smiled.

 

Bucky felt nauseous. Of course. Of course women would want Steve now, now that he looked like that. He was the ideal man. In shape, handsome and gentle and kind.

 

And she was beautiful. No wonder Steve had fallen for her.

 

‘’Let’s hear it for Captain America!’’ Bucky yelled. He couldn’t take it anymore. The way they looked at each other was gut wrenching.

 

The crowd cheered loudly.

 

But Bucky heard nothing but Steve and the woman.

 

\---

 

‘’See? I told you they’re all idiots.’’ Bucky took a sip of his drink.

 

Recruiting the rest of their friends to take down the HYDRA base had been Bucky’s idea. Bucky didn’t know why he was still sticking around. He’d found out the woman’s name was Peggy Carter, rather known as Agent Carter. She had been a part of the super soldier project and that’s how they met. Bucky stared down at his drink, lost in thought.

 

‘’How about you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?’’

 

Those words hit something inside Bucky. Bucky had seen way too many people like Steve fail from being too ambitious. But Steve didn’t do it for power, glory or fame. He did it, because he believed it was right.

 

‘’Hell no. that little guy from Brooklyn that was too dumb not to run away from a fight, I’m following him.’’ He smirked.

 

Steve looked up. That soft smile again.

 

‘’But you’re keeping the outfit, right?’’ Steve did look good in that suit. It hugged his body in all the right places. Bucky felt like he’d been punched in the face whenever Steve wore the suit. He’d been wearing it less and less, which was quite disappointing, but less opportunity for public embarrassment. He thought Peggy had caught him staring at Steve one time, but she hadn’t, thankfully.

 

‘’You know what? It’s kinda growing on me.’’ Steve looked over to a poster of himself in the corner.

 

Bucky couldn’t help it but grin. _It grew on me very fast._

 

Suddenly Steve’s eyes grew big. Bucky turned around. There stood Peggy, in a beautiful red dress. She smiled at Steve. Steve stood up, so Bucky followed suit.

 

‘’Captain.’’

 

‘’Agent Carter.’’ Steve couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Bucky felt his heart sting.

 

Peggy walked over to Steve.

 

‘’Ma’am.’’ Bucky heard himself say. Peggy looked at him, and smiled. Steve looked enchanted by her. Another sting.

 

‘’Howard has some equipment for you to try. Tomorrow morning?’’ She asked Steve.

 

Bucky gulped. This was painful. Steve looked her up and down. Bucky looked at him with a mix of adoration and agony.

 

‘’I see your top squad is preparing for duty.’’

 

Bucky chuckled. ‘’You don’t like music?’’

 

Peggy didn’t even look at him for a split second. ‘’I do, actually. I might even, when this is all over, go dancing.’’

 

Steve and Peggy didn’t look away from each other. Bucky couldn’t do this much longer.

 

‘’Then what are you waiting for?’’ Bucky spat out.

 

‘’The right partner.’’

 

Steve looked at her with so much love and adoration. Bucky would never get that look. Why would he? Steve didn’t love him, at least not like that. Bucky felt his heart beat faster and faster. He couldn’t breathe.

 

‘’I- I have to go.’’ he said quickly before abandoning Steve at the bar.

 

Bucky ran into the nearest bathroom, unbuttoning his shirt as soon as he stepped through the door. He was sweating profusely. _He doesn’t love you, and he never will. He only has eyes for her. They’re gonna spend the rest of their lives together, while you’re forced to spend eternity alone. No one loves you, and no one ever will._

Tears were streaming from his eyes. He’d never felt so much pain. Every part of his body ached, with desperation and agony. He was shaking and sobbing. Bucky felt all that alcohol turn over in his stomach, threatening to come up again. He suppressed it. Just like he suppressed everything else.

 

Images of Steve were running through his head. The time they got caught in the rain, the time they first met in that alley, Steve coming to save him. Steve laughing. Steve drunk. Steve crying.

 

Steve.

 

Bucky would do anything for Steve to look at him like he looked at Peggy. But he wasn’t worthy. He wasn’t good enough for Steve. Steve was a true leader, and Bucky was a blind man.  Steve was the sun, bringing light and happiness to everyone around him, and Bucky was the moon, the carrier of darkness and fear.

 

Steve was everything, and Bucky was nothing.

 

Then a thought sparked in his mind. He couldn’t be here any longer. He wasn’t worthy of being around Steve.  He had to leave. As soon as possible.

 

The mission. That was an opportunity. He could fake his death. He’d fall down from somewhere, so Steve wouldn’t see him get up. Bucky would escape into the mountains and hide, until the war was over. Then he’d find refuge in a city, where he’d get lost in the crowd.

 

 Steve would move on, continue fighting and become a national hero. He’d marry Peggy and they’d have beautiful children. They’d grow old together.

 

And Bucky be alone again, forced to live in the shadows forever.

Forever young. Forever cursed.

 

 

Yes, that was a good plan.


	4. Chapter 4

‘’Hey Buck, want to go for a walk with me?’’

 

Bucky turned to see Steve standing in the doorway, holding a thick jacket.

 

‘’It’s quite cold, you need it.’’ he explained when he saw Bucky examine the jacket.

 

‘’Of course I’ll take a walk with you, pal. Pass me the jacket.’’ Bucky smiled at him. Steve smiled back. That soft smile, that Bucky loved.

 

Once Bucky put the jacket on he put his hands in the pockets. Bucky had cold hands all of the time, and maybe Steve had noticed, because the pockets were lined with the warmest material Bucky had ever felt. When he reached deeper into the left pocket, he felt cold metal. He pulled it out.

 

It was a metal chain with dog tags on it. Bucky furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at Steve.

 

‘’What’s this? Are they yours?’’ Steve looked like he was trying to stop himself from smiling.

 

‘’Read them’’

 

Bucky brought them closer to his face. The first one said: _Sergeant James Barnes._ He turned it over and on the other side it said: _Jerk._ The other one said: _Captain Steve Rogers_ and the other side said _Punk._

 

‘’I thought I’d get you something, to remind you of me, in case I- in case I don’t survive the missions.’’ Steve looked at the floor. ‘’You don’t have to keep it if you don’t like it.’’

 

Little did Steve know.

 

 

‘’I love it, Steve.’’ He said, and he meant every word. Steve looked back at him, almost like he was surprised.

 

‘’You do?’’

 

Bucky just smiled, and nodded.

 

Steve chuckled and reached into his shirt. He pulled out a pair of identical tags.

 

‘’I had them made for me as well, just in case you- yeah.‘’ he looked at his feet.

Bucky’s heart shattered. He looked down at the tags. He meant something, at least to Steve. Even if Steve didn’t reciprocate Bucky’s feelings, he cared about Bucky. He wanted Bucky to remember him. And he wanted to remember Bucky.

 

Bucky put the chain around his neck, and grinned at Steve.

 

‘’How about that walk?’’

 

\---

 

The first few minutes of their walk went by in silence. But it was a comfortable silence.

 

‘’I’m gonna miss this.’’ Steve spoke up.

 

Bucky looked at him. Their eyes met for a few seconds, but Steve looked away.

 

‘’Me too. You just gotta win the war.’’ Bucky smiled, but his heart ached. Steve would win the war, but they’d never do this again. This was probably the last day they’d spend together, just the two of them.

 

Steve chuckled softly. ‘’Don’t you mean we?’’

 

Bucky’s heart dropped. No, he didn’t.

 

He forced a light chuckle. ‘’of course.’’

 

He looked up to see Steve smiling at him.

 

\---

 

Bucky had always loved the stars. When he was a child he’d spend hours looking up into the sky and trying to figure out patterns and pictures. The stars provided comfort. Comfort by knowing that they would always be there. No matter what happens in Bucky’s life, the stars will be there for him.

 

Whenever Bucky felt anxious, he went to the stars.

 

And that’s exactly where he was that night.

 

For the past few days Bucky had been doubting his idea of leaving. He’d be leaving his only happiness. He’d follow Steve straight into the unknown without him even having to ask.

 

Bucky felt like he was running out of time. The mission was tomorrow and he still hadn’t made up his mind. This was a new feeling. Time was something he’d always had plenty of. Because he was immortal, he didn’t have to worry about running out of time. Well, not until now.

 

The dog tags had really gotten him thinking. What if Steve possibly loved him too? If Bucky would leave he’d never find out. He’d spend the rest of, well, eternity trying to figure it out. And if Steve loved him, he’d never be able to do anything about it, because Steve would be gone. But if he’d stay, he could tell Steve how he felt. And if Steve didn’t feel the same, then he’d at least be sure in his heartbreak.

 

‘’What’s up, jerk?’’ he heard a voice behind him. ‘’why are you out here so late?’’

 

Bucky turned to Steve as he sat down beside him.

 

‘’just, thinking’’ Bucky sighed.

 

‘’About tomorrow?’’

 

‘’among other things.’’

 

Steve raised his eyebrow. ‘’Like what?’’

 

Bucky laid down, facing the stars.

 

‘’Steve, have you ever been in love?’’

 

Steve looked at Bucky.

 

‘’Yeah. Have you?’’

 

Bucky’s heart dropped. ‘’No. It’s a waste of time.’’

 

Steve furrowed his eyebrows. ‘’why would you say that?’’

 

Bucky shook his head. ‘’ You spend all this time getting close to a person when they’re just gonna leave in the end. And once you find ‘the one’ you’ve spent so much time moving from person to person that you doubt everything in your relationship. You’re happy for a few years and then either one of you will leave.’’

 

‘’If they’re truly the one, they won’t leave.’’ Steve muttered quietly.

 

Bucky turned to Steve, only to find those ocean eyes already looking at him.

 

Those words had stirred something inside Bucky.

 

  _If they’re truly the one, they won’t leave._

Bucky was at a loss for words.

 

‘’And the person I believe is the one for me still hasn’t left, so I think that’s proof enough.’’ Steve kept going.

 

_Person._ Not woman, but person.

 

Bucky was doubting everything.

 

He couldn’t leave.

 

So he wouldn’t.

 

\---

 

Bucky, Steve and their squad took down multiple HYDRA operations within the next months. They were undefeated. But today’s mission would undeniably be harder than all the others. They would have to assault a train carrying Arnim Zola, to get information on where the final HYDRA base is located.

 

Steve and Bucky stood on a cliff, overlooking the train tracks.

 

‘’Remember when I made you ride The Cyclone at Coney Island?’’ Bucky looked to Steve.

 

‘’Yeah, and I threw up?’’

 

Bucky sighed. ‘’This isn’t payback, is it?’’

 

‘’Now why would I do that?’’

 

Bucky shook his head and smiled fondly.

 

Bucky had always been afraid of heights. He’d seen many people fall from tall places, and most of them had died. That was the thing. When you fall from a high place, you’ll get injured, but if you die instantly then you won’t feel the pain. But Bucky always had to feel the pain. He couldn’t be put out of his misery.

 

‘’Are you sure you’re ready to do this?’’ Steve looked at him with a worried expression on his face.

 

‘’I’m with you till the end of the line, pal’’ Bucky smiled at him.

 

Steve smiled back.

 

\---

 

Steve and Bucky jumped onto the train, with Gabe Jones following them. Steve opened one of the train doors and he and Bucky climbed inside. they walked slowly through the first carriage, and Steve walked into the next one. Before they knew it the door between the carriages closed and Bucky was trapped in the first one. He turned around to see one of HYDRA’s soldiers and Bucky shot him immediately. More soldiers arrived and shot at Bucky. Suddenly the door opened, and he turned around to see Steve hiding in the walkway between the carriages. He put his finger to his lips and threw a gun at Bucky. Bucky caught the gun and stood up to fire at the soldiers.

 

Steve ran and kicked a box at them, knocking one out and Bucky shot at the other one.

 

‘’I had him on the ropes.’’

 

‘’I know.’’

 

Bucky thought it was over, but then they heard a noise behind them. Another soldir stood behind them, with the most powerful gun they’d seen.

 

‘’Get back!’’ Steve yelled and put his shield in front of them.

 

The blast from the gun was so powerful that it knocked them both back a few feet, Steve had fallen into a corner and he’d dropped his shield. A large part of the carriage wall had been ripped away, revealing how far up they were

 

Bucky gulped and noticed that the soldier was ready to fire again. He picked up Steve’s shield and shot at him. The soldier shot back at him, hitting the shield and knocking Bucky out of the train. He managed to catch on to the wall that had been blown away.

 

Steve climbed out on to the door.

 

‘’Bucky! Hang on!’’

 

Bucky tried to pull himself closer.

 

‘’Grab my hand!’’ Steve yelled.

 

Bucky reached for his hand, but suddenly the railing he was hanging on to broke off.

 

‘’Bucky!’’ he heard Steve yell.

 

Bucky let out a blood curdling scream as he kept falling. And then everything faded to black.

 

\---

 

Pain.

 

Not only in his left side, which suddenly felt lighter, but in his heart. He just lost Steve, forever. His right hand clutched the dog tags Steve had given him a few months ago. He hadn’t taken them off at all, since that night. He couldn’t stop his tears. He’d finally been happy, or at least content with his place. He felt like he belonged. And then that was ripped away from him, just like everything else.

 

Was this the universe’s way of telling him he wasn’t worthy of love?

 

Bucky felt empty. He’d already cried all his tears, and now he was just heartbroken. He’d never experienced pain like this in his life. He’d lost people, but they never mattered. Not as much as Steve.

 

Steve was his light. Steve was the rain on a dry acre, bread to a starving man, and sleep after a long day.

 

Steve was Bucky’s stars.

 

Bucky didn’t have any options. He had to escape, into the mountains and maybe even to Africa. He’d never been there before, but it had always intrigued him. This was his chance. He had to go somewhere new, and try to forget. But he knew he never would.

 

 Bucky used his sleeve to at least try and stop some of the bleeding, not that he’d die, but it hurt like a bitch.

 

He couldn’t stop thinking about the look on Steve’s face when he fell. It looked like his heart had been ripped in two. But Bucky knew that Steve would keep going, no matter what. He always did. Bucky could watch the war from afar.

 

Bucky stumbled to his feet. He’d learned to collect food in even the most extreme circumstances, but never with only one arm. You learn something new every day, right? Bucky examined his surroundings. He was in a forest, covered in snow. There wasn’t much here. He’d have to find a small town or village, and get his arm treated. Or rather, his lack of arm.

 

Bucky started walking towards the mountains, hand around his dog tags.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the love on this story so far! i read all of your comments and i really appreciate them <3

Switzerland, 1944.

 

Bucky had fallen from the train a few months ago, but the gaping hole in his heart (and his arm) was still there. After he’d fallen, he’d escaped to Switzerland and was currently staying in a shitty hotel. He remembered the access codes for the radio for US soldiers, and now listened to it every moment, desperately waiting for news on Steve.

 

The most recent news were from around a week ago.

 

_Captain Steve Rogers and The Howling Commandos take down yet another HYDRA operation. They now have the information needed to take down the HYDRA headquarters._

 

That was the last he’d heard, and he desperately wanted to hear more.

 

This would be his last night in Switzerland. The next day he was gonna get on a train to Spain, and from there he’d take a boat to Africa. He was going to Wakanda. He’d heard of it a few times, and everyone described it as a poor third world country. That was the perfect place for him to hide from the media, since everyone believed he was dead.

 

Bucky had just been down to the bar to get a drink, and now he was finishing packing. With the radio on, of course. He went into the bathroom to pack his soap, when he heard something on the radio.

 

_And now, news on The Howling Commandos mission to take down HYDRA._

Bucky ran to the radio, turned it up and sat down on his bed. His hand went straight to his dog tags, which were around his neck like usual. He listened to the radio for a few moments, but they didn’t mention Steve.

 

_Captain Steve Rogers boarded the ship they call Valkyrie and defeated Johann Schmidt. He then took control of the plane, but he had to make a crash landing on the Arctic shelf. His body has yet to be found._

Bucky’s heart sank.

 

_Captain Steve Rogers has been confirmed deceased._

 

Bucky couldn’t breathe.

 

**_Captain Steve Rogers has been confirmed deceased._ **

 

Bucky picked up the radio and smashed it on the ground. This couldn’t be real. Steve couldn’t be dead.

 

Bucky felt tears trail from his eyes as he sat down again, unable to stand up straight. Steve was gone, forever. No one would ever get to see that beautiful smile, or look into those gorgeous eyes again. Steve wasn’t supposed to die. He was supposed to win the war and settle down and have a family. It was unbelievable that Bucky’s destiny was to live forever, while an amazing person like Steve had to die before he even reached thirty.

 

Bucky felt numb. Empty. The only person he’d ever loved, gone. This wasn’t right. Steve deserved to live forever, and not Bucky. Bucky was unworthy, selfish, and Steve was the most selfless person in the world. He stood up for what was right, while Bucky hid in the shadows.  

 

Bucky wondered what Steve’s last thoughts were. Was he perhaps clutching the dog tags, like Bucky always did? Or had he thrown them away right after Bucky fell?

 

Bucky held his head in his hands. He was shaking and sobbing with grief. Steve was the best person he’d ever met, and if anyone deserved a long life, he did. Bucky went to his balcony and looked up to the sky. What if Steve was looking down at him?

 

_Just me and the stars, again,_ Bucky thought to himself. That’s how it was supposed to be, apparently. The world was giving him a very clear sign.

 

Even the stars couldn’t make him feel better now.

 

\---

 

Bucky stepped out of the car. So this was Wakanda. His first impression was that it was hot. Very hot.

 

Getting into Wakanda had been hard. They were a very secretive nation, so you needed to give them a good reason to get into the country. And apparently hiding from the media wasn’t considered a good reason by many. But he’d gotten through eventually, and now he was on his way to find a hotel in the capital city, Birnin Zana. He’d stay there while he’d look for an apartment.

 

‘’Good morning, I need a room for one please.’’ Bucky smiled at the lady in the reception.

 

‘’Great, how long will you be staying?’’

 

‘’Oh, that’s undecided, but I’d estimate around a week.’’

 

‘’Alright, what’s your name?’’

 

Bucky hesitated. ‘Ja-James Barnes.’’

 

The receptionist looked at him, confused. Bucky looked away.

 

‘’It’s 130 dollars for a week, and if you need to stay longer just talk to us in the reception. Your room is number 616, and here’s your key.’’ She smiled at him.

 

Bucky put down his suitcase to find his wallet. The receptionist eyed his left side suspiciously, but didn’t say anything. Once he got the money out of the wallet, he handed it to her and grabbed his key.

 

‘’Do you need help with your bag?’’ the receptionist asked.

 

‘’No I’ll be fine on my own, thank you.’’ Bucky smiled at her and turned around towards the stairs.

 

Bucky walked up to the 6th floor and unlocked his room. It was rather small, but Bucky didn’t mind. He put his bag on the bed and sat down.

 

Oh, how he wished Steve was there with him. He’d be there laying on the bed, talking about nothing, but Bucky would listen to it all anyway. Bucky sighed. It just wasn’t fair. He’d listened to a broadcast of Steve’s funeral on the radio because he couldn’t go. He heard The Howling Commandos make speeches, and he wanted to do that too. So many people had been at the funeral to pay their respects, which Steve definitely deserved. But Bucky couldn’t.

 

\---

 

After a few months in Wakanda Bucky had gotten himself a nice apartment, with the money he saved up. He wished he could work, but well, you need two arms for most jobs. So Bucky just spent most of his days moping in his apartment. He went to the stars every night now. He’d developed PTSD from the war. when he did sleep he had nightmares of falling from the train, Steve screaming his name, and lying on the ground for hours, unable to get up because of pain. so he often chose to just not sleep. He often had days where he couldn’t get out of bed because of flashbacks. He relived everything multiple times a day. He also often relived the moment he heard of Steve’s death, and feeling numb afterwards. Empty.

 

Bucky heard a quick but determined knock on the door. He reluctantly stood up and walked to open it. He opened it to reveal a man, holding a letter.

 

‘’James Barnes?’’ the man asked.

 

‘’Yes.’’

 

‘’King Azzuri requests your presence. Now.’’

 

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows. ‘’What for?’’

 

The man shook his head. ‘’Simple people like me aren’t told, but I advise you to be quick.’’

 

\---

 

Bucky had followed the man to the palace and was now stepping inside. to say he was nervous was a bit of an understatement. What if they were onto him? What if they wanted him out of the country, immediately?

 

Bucky stepped into the great hall where King Azzuri was sitting, surrounded by dozens of men who Bucky assumed were his advisors and secretaries. The room went silent as he entered.

 

King Azzuri stood up. Bucky bowed lightly and gulped. ‘’Your highness.’’

 

‘’Your name is James Buchanan Barnes, correct?’’

 

Bucky looked up to meet the eyes of the king. ‘’Y-Yes it is.’’

 

The king nodded.

 

‘’But I prefer Bucky.’’ he couldn’t stop himself from saying.

 

The king raised his eyebrows, but smiled. ‘’Tell me Bucky, how did you lose your arm?’’

 

Bucky froze. ‘’I-uh, I got into a tra-train accident.’’

 

Which wasn’t exactly untrue.

 

Azzuri chuckled. ‘’You were friends with Captain America. You fell from a train. You shouldn’t have survived the fall. How did you do it?’’

 

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows. ‘’How did you know?’’

 

‘’Our nation may be very secretive and small, but we are not completely closed off. There’s a lot you don’t know about us, Bucky. Now-‘’ he leaned forward. ‘’How did you do it?’’

 

Bucky sighed. There really wasn’t a way to get out of this. ‘’I-I’m immortal.’’

 

Azzuri smiled. ‘’Thank you for your honesty. And why did you decide to come here, to Wakanda?’’

 

‘’I guess I thought I could hide from the media here, until everyone forgot about it. I didn’t know you followed the war so closely here. And if people found out, especially in America and Europe, they’d want to experiment on me.’’

 

The king sat down. ‘’Well Bucky, we’ll shelter you.’’

 

Bucky looked up. ‘’What?’’

 

‘’We know a lot about keeping important secrets, what’s one more?’’

 

Bucky smiled. ‘’You mean, I can stay here? For as long as I’d like?’’

 

 

‘’Of course. We’d offer you everything you need, starting with a new arm.’’

 

Bucky looked to his side. He’d gotten so used to living with only one arm that it didn’t really bother him anymore. But having two arms again would be nice, he couldn’t deny that. He looked back to the king.

 

‘’And there’s nothing I need to do in return?’’

 

‘’Well, I assume you were present for a lot of historic events, so you could tell us about those.  And if there’s anything else you’d like to help us with, just let us know. But there’s nothing that we expect from you.’’

 

Bucky couldn’t control his smile. ‘’Thank you so much, your majesty.’’

 

The king smiled back. ‘’Now, about that arm?’’


	6. Chapter 6

1968

 

 

Bucky loved Wakanda. Those who knew about his secret didn’t bombard him with questions, but he did get a few stares here and there. The Wakandan king had given him an arm made of vibranium, the same metal that Steve’s shield was made of. The arm was smooth and shiny, with gold accents. It had taken him some time to get used to it, but now it was perfect. He’d helped Wakandan historians by providing missing details to history, so history around the world was now a step further. Bucky was happy, yes. But there was still a missing piece of him, left in the ocean.

 

Bucky heard a sudden knock on his door. ‘’Come in.’’ he turned around to see king T’Chaka. He stood up and bowed. ‘’Your majesty.’’ He smiled.

 

‘’Oh Bucky, you know I don’t like that.’’ The king was quite young, around thirty years old. He’d only been reigning for around three years, but Bucky and the people of Wakanda could already see a great king.

 

Bucky chuckled. ‘’You know I have to do that, and besides, I don’t know how to express my gratitude in other ways than respect.’’

 

T’Chaka nodded. ‘’I guess. Now, to the point. I am going on an official trip to visit the president of the United States, Lyndon B. Johnson. I thought you’d maybe want to come.’’

 

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows. ‘’What business do I have with the president?’’

 

T’Chaka gulped. ‘’Not to see the president, but to come to America. New York.’’

 

Bucky froze. He hadn’t been there since he left for the war, almost thirty years ago. He didn’t feel like it was right, without Steve there.

 

‘’You haven’t seen his grave, have you?’’ T’Chaka muttered.

 

Bucky shook his head. He wanted to attend the funeral but he couldn’t, seeing as everyone he knew from the war would be present. He also just didn’t think he’d handle it. He’d been wanting to visit his grave for a long time, but he never dared bring it up, since Wakanda was such an isolated nation.

 

‘’We’d find you a hotel and we’d cover all the costs. All you need to do is say yes.’’ T’Chaka sat down next to him. ‘’I know how much he means to you, and you deserve to go. To say your goodbyes, properly.’’

 

Bucky smiled. This would be hard, but he had to do it eventually.

 

‘’Yeah, I think I’ll go.’’

 

\---

 

Bucky breathed in the dirty New York air as he stepped out of the taxi. T’Chaka had gotten him a hotel room in Brooklyn, very close to where he and Steve used to live. Once he’d checked in he had to lie down for a while, simply because there were too many memories. Overwhelming. Once he pulled himself together, he decided to go out.

 

Bucky walked past his old apartment building, or where it used to be. It had been destroyed to make room for a large department store. Bucky didn’t want to admit it, but he was glad it was gone. So many things happened there that he wished had gone differently. He walked further, to Steve’s old apartment building. That was still up, since it had been fairly new in the 40’s. Bucky stood there for a while, remembering the first time he’d gone there.

 

It was around a week after they’d first met. They’d been out for drinks and decided to hang out at Steve’s. Steve had told him all about the neighbourhood (‘’I got beat up in that alley, and that parking lot..’’), and what his early life was like. Bucky remembered it like it was yesterday.

 

After a few old ladies bumped into him and young women winked at him, he decided it’d be best to go. He continued to the diner he and Steve ate at a lot of the time. Miraculously, it was still going strong. When he stepped inside he breathed in the scent of hamburgers, eggs and fries. Everything was exactly the same. Bucky sat down and ordered Steve’s favorite, lasagne.

 

Bucky kept seeing Steve. He was in the streets, in the apartment building, and in the diner. He of course wasn’t really there, but maybe Bucky had gotten so used to New York with Steve that he couldn’t imagine it without him. New York was where Steve belonged, not Europe. Whenever Bucky saw Steve, he hadn’t gotten the serum yet. He was scrawny old Steve, with his asthma and weak heart. He was the Steve that Bucky had fallen in love with.

 

Once Bucky finished eating he stood up and left a ten dollar bill on the table. He decided to just go back to the hotel and get some rest. Tomorrow would be a long day, and he needed it.

 

\---

 

Bucky stepped out of the car in front of the cemetery and took a deep breath. He was really about to do this. His entire body was shaking. He reached to push the gate open and walked inside. He spotted a groundskeeper and walked up to him.

 

‘’Excuse me, sir, do you know where Stev-Captain America’s grave is located?’’

 

‘’Sure do son. It’s three rows to the left.’’ He pointed in the general direction.

 

‘’Thank you sir.’’ Bucky was about to turn around when the groundskeeper spoke again.

 

‘’Do I know you? I feel like I’ve seen you, in a picture or something.’’

 

Bucky tensed up. ‘’N-no, you must have the wrong guy.’’ He smiled and turned around.

 

Bucky walked slowly towards Steve’s grave. He felt his heart beat faster with every move. His legs felt heavy, like lead. _It’ll be fine,_ he told himself. His breath caught in his throat once he stopped in front of the grave.

 

 

                                             _Steven Grant Rogers_

_Captain America_

_July 4, 1918- August 14, 1945_

The grave was beautiful. It had a small American flag next to it, and bouquets of flowers. People still cared about Captain America. Bucky felt a tear trickle down his cheek.

 

‘’I’m sorry, Steve. I should’ve been there. I should’ve gone into the ocean, and you should’ve gone back home.’’ Bucky wiped his cheek as more tears started falling. ‘’And I could’ve been there. I should’ve gathered up the courage to tell you about my situation. But I’m a coward. I’m so sorry Steve.’’ At this point he was sobbing. He kneeled in front of Steve’s grave. ‘’Please forgive me. I miss you so much, Steve. You’ll never know this, but your life was my life’s best part.’’ Bucky took a deep breath. ‘’I love you, Steve.’’ He whispered.

 

He stayed by Steve’s grave for a few hours, just thinking. Thinking about his regrets and his failures. Thinking about the way he wished things were.

 

\---

_Bucky stood up and aimed his gun at the HYDRA agent. Before he could fire, the agent fired from his gun, a powerful blast that sent Steve and Bucky flying backwards. Bucky looked to his side to see Steve huddled in a corner, completely still. Bucky grabbed Steve’s shield, ran up to the agent and punched him with the shield before firing multiple shots into his head. Bucky threw the shield away from him and ran over to Steve._

_‘’Steve, Steve can you hear me? Are you okay?’’ Bucky said frantically whilst he looked for a pulse._

_Steve turned over. His face was covered in blood, and there was a large wound on his neck._

_‘’Bucky, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dragged you into this.’’ he whispered._

_‘’No no no, I can get you help, I’ll d-‘’_

_Steve shook his head. ‘’It’s too late.’’_

_\---_

Bucky bolted upright. His body was covered in sweat, and his face in tears. His entire body was shaking. For a moment, he thought he was back in Europe, laying helplessly on the ground. He breathed in. He was fine, he was in his bed in Wakanda, those days were over.

 

Bucky stood up and walked to his window. He had a beautiful view of a Wakandan forest, and he could see the stars very clearly, even inside. The Andromeda galaxy was visible tonight. Bucky observed it, relief flooding over him as he studied the stars and the moons. It was a beautiful spiral galaxy, containing millions of stars.

 

Bucky stood by his window for a few minutes to relax himself and steady his breath. He hadn’t had a nightmare that bad in years. He’d had various nightmares, of monsters, demons and ghosts, but none of those made him feel half as bad as those who involved Steve, usually dying. Maybe because they were real.

 

Steve was dead, and Bucky had to live.

 

\---

 

 

1991

 

‘’ _And now, breaking news. Howard Stark, CEO of Stark industries, and his wife Maria, have passed away. They were found at the side of a road, where they had crashed into a tree. The circumstances are mysterious, seeing as the front doors were ripped off, and they had strange marks on their necks. The FBI is investigating this case. It is not known who will become CEO of Stark industries, but many people assume that it will be their only son, Tony Stark, who turned 21 this year.’’_

Bucky switched off the TV. He’d never been particularly fond of Stark, but he knew that he meant a lot to Steve.  He was the one who made the super soldier serum, so Steve felt like he owed him.

 

Bucky wondered what Steve’s reaction would be. Would he cry? He probably would. Steve always cried when he lost someone. Bucky knew that from experience. He couldn’t help but feel a bit sad, too. Anyone that meant something to Steve automatically meant something to Bucky. No matter how much of a shit Howard could be.

 

Bucky heard someone open the door. He turned around, and smiled. It was T’Challa, T’Chaka’s six year old son. He’d grown quite fond of Bucky, and Bucky was fond of him.

 

‘’Hey little man, how are you?’’

 

‘’’m okay.’’

 

‘’Want to sit?’’ Bucky patted on the bed next to him.

 

T’Challa walked to the bed and sat down next to him. Bucky smiled. ‘’What have you been up to?’’

 

T’Challa shrugged. ‘’Nothing.’’ He looked over to Bucky. ‘’What’s that on your neck?’’ he asked.

 

Bucky looked down. The dog tags. He’d never told anyone about them before.

 

‘’Well,’’ he looked at T’Challa, ‘’can you keep a secret?’’

 

T’Challa’s eyes went wide, and he nodded furiously.

 

Bucky smiled and fished the tags out of his shirt. ‘’Well, you know how I was friends with St-Captain America? I fought with him in World War II. Now don’t tell anyone, but because we were such good friends he gave these to me before he d-died. This one says _Captain Steve Rogers, punk,_ and this one says _Sergeant James Barnes, jerk._ Ain’t that cool?’’

 

T’Challa smiled. ‘’I want to have a friend like that.’’

 

Bucky chuckled. ‘’You will, someday.’’

 

‘’do you miss him?’’ T’Challa asked with a serious tone.

 

Bucky sighed. ‘’Yeah, I do. But I’d rather focus on our happy memories than my grief. So that’s what I do.’’

 

T’Challa nodded. ‘’wasn’t it cool to be friends with Captain America? I’d like to be friends with him and shoot all the bad guys together!’’

 

Bucky grinned. ‘’Yeah, it was. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. He would’ve liked you a lot, T’Challa. Hey, maybe we could shoot some bad guys together? When you’re old enough.’’

 

T’Challa smiled, and nodded.


	7. Chapter 7

2011

 

Bucky walked down the corridor to T’Chaka’s office. He’d been called to his office abruptly, and he was very rushed. He didn’t know why he was being called for a meeting, but he hoped it wasn’t what he thought it was.

 

‘’I really don’t know what the best way to tell him is, but it’s best that he finds out with people around him, as we don’t know what he’ll do if he hears it on the radio.’’ Bucky heard T’Chaka’s voice come out of his office. Tell him what?

 

‘’What do you expect him to do? Sit down and act like it doesn’t matter? He was his best friend, and hearing that someone you thought was dead is actually alive is a huge shock.’’ he heard T’Challa’s voice.

 

What? Someone he thought was dead is actually alive?

 

As he entered T’Chaka’s office, T’Challa smiled but looked away quickly.

 

‘’Bucky, please take a seat.’’ T’Chaka instructed.

 

Bucky sat down and leaned back. His hands were shaking.

 

‘’Do you know why we’ve called you here?’’

 

‘’I have no idea, your majesty.’’

 

T’Chaka looked at T’Challa, hesitating, and T’Challa nodded.

 

T’Chaka crossed his hands and leaned back. ‘’Well, I take it ypu haven’t been watching the news then?’’

 

Bucky shook his head.

 

‘’I really don’t know how to do this, so I’m just going to say it. Your friend Steve, he’s alive. His body has been frozen for 70 years and he’s just woken up. He’s in New York.’’

 

Bucky froze.

 

‘’W-What? H-He was dead, they couldn’t find his body, they-‘’ his voice was shaky.

 

‘’Shield found him a few years ago, but they didn’t tell anyone.’’ T’Chaka looked into Bucky’s eyes. ‘’We could get you in contact with him, if you wish.’’

 

Bucky felt a tear rolling down his face. Would he even remember Bucky? Would he want anything to do with him?

 

‘’I understand that this must be a shock, and you’re welcome to take your time.’’ T’Challa placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

Bucky had been hoping for this moment, that somehow he’d survived and they’d be reunited, but now that it happened, it felt almost wrong. The world would no doubt be in awe of Steve, and he’d become even more famous than he was in the 40s. Was Bucky even worthy of his time? No doubt Steve would find someone better than him, hell, maybe he’d get married.

 

Bucky hated to admit it, but he wasn’t ready to see him. How ridiculous? He’d been waiting for this for so long, but now he was too afraid to do it.

 

T’Chaka smiled at him.

 

‘’I-I don’t know if I’m ready.’’ Bucky muttered. T’Chaka’s smile fell and T’Challa removed his hands to stand next to his dad.

 

‘’Take your time. But I do advise that you see him eventually.’’ T’Chaka sighed.

 

Bucky looked up, and tried his best to smile. He quickly stood up and went to his room, tears streaming down his face. He collapsed onto his bed and broke down crying. His entire body was shaking, tears were flowing like a waterfall and he could hardly breathe.

 

All he wanted was to be in Steve’s arms. he craved his touch, his skin and his scent.

 

Steve felt like home. And Bucky so desperately wanted to go home.

 

\---

 

_‘’Steve?’’ Bucky furrowed his eyebrows at the man in front of him._

_The man turned around._

_‘’Steve. It’s me, Bucky.’’ He smiled._

_Steve raised his eyebrows. ‘’Who the hell is Bucky?’’_

_\---_

 

Bucky rubbed his eyes as he woke up. He’d been having the same nightmare, the same terrible nightmare every night.

 

Some part of him knew that Steve couldn’t have forgotten him, after all they went through. But there was another part that kept asking, asking why he should remember him. After all, Bucky was just another man, who came and went. He didn’t do anything remarkable.

 

There were already rumours that Steve was going to work with Tony Stark, Howard’s son. He was apparently a hero nowadays. How that happened, Bucky didn’t know or care. He never cared much for the Starks.

 

If he did meet Steve, how would it even happen? Would he hunt Steve down, and scare him while he’s at it? Would he ask T’Chaka to arrange it? T’Chaka and his family had already done so much for him, he didn’t want to ask for more.

 

Bucky sighed. He just wished this was easy.

 

\---

 

New York

 

Steve sighed as he sat down in his room. This was all so overwhelming. He’d missed so much development, so much new technology. How would he ever catch up? He  wished he was back in the 40s. With Bucky by his side.

 

When he remembered that Bucky had fallen, he’d cried. He cried so much. He felt like it was his fault. If he hadn’t enlisted, Bucky wouldn’t have either. If he hadn’t enlisted, Bucky would be alive. They’d both be old, but they’d have gotten to spend their lives together. One of the first things he’d learned was that same sex relationships were accepted now, so the fear he felt in the 40s was hardly there anymore. If Bucky was still alive, he’d probably have told him, no matter how Bucky felt.

 

‘’Mister Rogers?’’ he heard a voice outside.

 

‘’Come in.’’ he muttered.

 

A nurse walked in. Steve tried to muster up a smile.

 

‘’They found this, when they found you. They removed it in case of disease and what not. It’s been cleaned and you can have it back now.’’ the nurse handed him his dog tags.

 

Steve’s vision went cloudy as he fought his tears.

 

‘’Thank you.’’ he whispered. The nurse smiled, understanding, and left the room.

 

Steve held up the chain and inspected the tags. They looked almost brand new. He smiled softly as he reminisced about the day he’d given Bucky his. Bucky had been so happy, or at least he pretended to be. Seeing Bucky happy made Steve happy too.

 

He placed the chain around his neck, and went to sleep.

 

\---

 

Bucky sat on a bench in the palace garden, admiring the heart shaped plants in front of him. They were the plants that gave the monarch their powers to become the black panther. Bucky had earned of the black panther tradition a few years back, when he stumbled into a training session on accident. T’Challa had been training for a long time and his younger sister Shuri had started a few years ago. Shuri was very admirable. She was incredibly smart, despite being only nine years old. Bucky wouldn’t be surprised if she grew up to become the smartest person in the world.

 

Bucky smiled as a few members of the Dora Milaje walked by. They scared the crap out of him, so he deemed it best to stay away and smile. +

 

‘’They intimidate you too, huh?’’ he heard a voice behind him. T’Challa sat down next to Bucky. Bucky smiled and nodded.

 

‘’How are you these days, buddy?’’

 

Bucky shrugged. ‘’Okay, I guess. Been better.’’

 

‘’Yeah, I understand. When do you think you’re going to see him?’’

 

‘’I don’t know. I don’t know if I ever will, to be honest.’’

 

‘’You have to see him some day, Bucky. You can’t just try and block him out. He’s out there, and he probably misses you too.’’

 

‘’But what if he doesn’t want to see me? He thought I was dead. I could have come back before he died, but I didn’t.’’

 

‘’You were scared, and you had a perfectly good reason to be. If he truly cared about you, he’ll understand.’’

 

Bucky gulped. ‘’I guess you’re right.’’

 

They sat in silence for a few moments.

 

‘’Hey, remember when I was a kid and every time I had a nightmare I’d come to you? And you’d tell me about the stars. I was so fascinated by how much you knew.’’

 

Bucky chuckled. ‘’I like to think that the only reason you took astrology was because of me.’’

 

‘’Maybe.’’ T’Challa smiled.

 

‘’Remember when you used to come to me for girl advice? Worst decision of your life.’’ Bucky laughed.

 

‘’Oh please, don’t remind me.’’ T’Challa shook his head.

 

Bucky looked at T’Challa. ‘’You’re going to be a good king.’’

 

T’Challa smiled at Bucky. ‘’Maybe you could give me advice on what not to do. Since you’ve lived through pretty much every mistake a king has made.’’

 

‘’Maybe I will.’’ Bucky said as he patted T’Challa’s back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the incredibly late update, and how short it is :( things should start rolling in the next chapter! I've been really busy and i haven't really had the time nor inspiration to write, but I should be back on track now!


	8. Chapter 8

‘’Bucky. This is madness.’’

 

Bucky placed his head in his hands. He couldn’t watch the TV any longer.

 

Some aliens had invaded New York, and Steve had fought them, with a group of other enhanced individuals. And spies. And rich people. One rich person, to be specific.

 

Steve had teamed up with Tony Stark, Howard’s son. The guy stopped making weapons so he’s basically a hero now, apparently. Although Bucky would categorize that suit of his as a weapon.

 

T’Challa shook his head. ‘’Bucky, either you go see him, or I kick you out of Wakanda. Not kidding.’’

 

‘’Both of those sound absolutely terrible, thanks.’’

 

‘’Come on! Everyone can tell how much you want to see him. You need to stop listening to your gut, for once. I guarantee you, he wants to see you. Shuri is going mad, she says it’s like you’re a vacuum cleaner, sucking the happiness around you.’’

 

Bucky chuckled. Of course Shuri would say something like that. ‘’Tell her I say thanks.’’

 

T’Challa smiled and went to the door.

 

‘’What would it even be like?’’ Bucky said.

 

‘’What?’’

 

‘’Seeing him again. What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he forgot me?’’

 

‘’Bucky, you can’t say that. If the way you described your friendship back then was true, then I’m sure he remembers you. I’m sure he feels the same way about you.’’

 

Bucky nodded.

 

He turned back to the TV, where he saw Steve on the screen. Bucky couldn’t help but feel scared for Steve. Steve had gone into it willingly, of course, but he wasn’t known for thinking before executing. That was one thing Bucky learned quickly when they first met. The thought of Steve going too far one day scared the crap out of Bucky.

 

T’Challa patted him on the back. ‘’Think about it.’’

 

Bucky smiled. ‘’I already have.’’

 

\---

 

As the Wakandan plane dropped Bucky off in New York, he felt a sense of nostalgia. New York was one of the few places he actually felt comfortable in, almost like a home. To be fair, home was wherever Steve was.

 

T’Challa had arranged for Bucky to meet with some of Steve’s managers, where he had to convince them that he actually knew Steve and wasn’t just some crazy fan trying to get a picture. Yep, Steve had some of those now.

 

He went straight to the Avengers tower, where Steve was living. Once he got into his meeting with Steve’s managers, he felt overwhelmingly nervous. He was sure they could see how he was sweating, and shaking.

 

‘’So, James, what can we do for you?’’

 

‘’My name is Bucky Barnes.’’

 

\---

 

Bucky saw Steve’s reaction when they told him. He saw the disbelief, the confusion, the hint of anger. He heard Steve ask again and again, if it was true. He remembered, at least.

 

When he walked in, Steve had his head in his hands. He looked up as the door closed behind him.

 

They just looked at each other for a while. Steve looked as if he hadn’t aged a day. He still had that beautiful blonde hair, those stunning eyes that made Bucky go weak at the knees. But Steve looked tired. He hadn’t slept for a while, Bucky could tell. Eventually Steve motioned for Bucky to sit.

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Bucky blurted out.

 

‘’For what?’’

 

‘’I didn’t tell you, when I should’ve. I’m sorry.’’

 

‘’Didn’t tell me what?’’

 

Bucky looked up, into Steve’s deep eyes.

 

‘’I’m immortal.’’

 

Steve furrowed his eyebrows. ‘’What do you mean?’’

 

‘’I can’t die. I heal from whatever happens to me, no matter how bad it is.’’

 

Bucky’s eyes were filling up with tears. ‘’I’m so sorry, I’ve been alive this whole time, but I was too scared to see you.’’

 

 

‘’W-why didn’t you tell me?’’ Steve looked at Bucky, full of confusion.

 

Bucky’s heart shattered. Steve was deeply hurt, he could see it in his eyes.

 

‘’I-I was scared. I’m so sorry Steve. I- whenever I told people about myself they would just exploit it for their own benefit and they didn’t care at all about me and I know that of course you’re not like that but there’s always that voice asking if I can really trust anyone. I haven’t trusted anyone like I trust you for centuries.’’ Bucky’s voice cracked.

 

‘’They- they hurt me. A lot. They’d drain blood from me while I slept to see if it was genetic. They tried everything to kill me. They wanted to see how far I could go. They would cut me thousands of times, they’d try to burn me alive. The pain was indescribable, but still I remained alive. I’ve tried multiple times to kill myself, just because I feel like I’m not worthy of living. They made me feel like an animal. Just there for their experiments. And- and I should’ve told you, I know, and there were so many times I almost did, but then the memories flood back and I’m reminded of what I am. Not worthy. I-I thought you forgot about me. Or- or you’d never want to see me again.’’

 

Bucky looked up at Steve, who was silently crying. They stood there in silence, both too upset to say anything. Bucky choked out a sob.

 

‘’You’re worth something to me, Buck.’’ Steve whispered and reached into his shirt. The dog tags.

 

Bucky’s breath caught in his throat.

 

‘’You think I could just forget you? When I woke up, when I remembered that you were supposedly dead, I cried. I cried so much, it was like I was back on that train. The nights after that, I woke up screaming your name. I saw you fall, again and again. I wished that it would’ve been me.’’

 

Bucky stared at Steve. Steve didn’t look angry, just disappointed.

 

‘’I felt like it was my fault. And that’s the worst feeling in the world. I knew you never wanted to fight, it was obvious. But you still went, because of me.’’

 

‘’Are you angry?’’ Bucky whispered.

 

‘’No. I could never be mad at you. I just- I wish you’d have told me earlier.’’

 

‘’I know. I should’ve, and I’m sorry.’’

 

‘’I’m glad you’re back, jerk.’’

 

Bucky looked up, and Steve smiled.

 

\---

 

Bucky had told Steve to sleep, they’d talk in the morning, and sleep he did. Steve had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He didn’t snore, but Bucky could hear his breathing. He could barely make out his body in the dark, but it was visible. Steve looked most at peace when he slept.

 

‘’Bucky?’’ Steve mumbled, hardly awake.

 

‘’Yeah?’’

 

‘’Come t’ sleep.’’

 

Bucky chuckled. ‘’I’m on the couch, Steve.’’

 

‘’Cm’ere. Sleep with me. I miss you.’’

 

Bucky hesitated. What would he do when they woke up.

 

Steve slowly raised the covers, motioning for him to get into bed. Bucky walked over slowly, still unsure. Once he got into bed Steve put the covers down and smiled.

 

‘’G’night Buck.’’

 

‘’Night Steve.’’

 

As Steve turned the other way, Bucky heard him whisper something, but he couldn’t make out what it was.


	9. Chapter 9

Bucky opened his eyes as the sun shone on his face. He heard soft breathing beside him. He turned around and was face to face with Steve, who was still fast asleep. He looked so peaceful and relaxed. The corners of his mouth were turned up slightly, he was clearly in the middle of a good dream. Bucky couldn’t tear his eyes off of him. At some point in time Steve had removed his shirt, and he ran very hot at night, so his toned stomach was on full display.

 

And it was glorious.

 

Bucky had never taken the time to really observe Steve’s body, he’d always thought it would be weird. But now he could admire the curves of his abs, his chest that rose and fell with every breath, the smooth and perfect skin. The V-shape which disappeared under the covers, the veins in his arms, the moles dotting his skin. Steve was beautiful. Every single bit of him was beautiful. Bucky wanted nothing more than to reach out and trace every line with his finger. He laid there in silence for a few moments, just admiring Steve. His Steve.

 

Bucky sat up and climbed out of the bed, leaving Steve still asleep. He didn’t want to leave the room, in case there was someone outside. He’d wait for Steve.

 

‘’Morning sunshine.’’ he heard a sleepy voice behind him. Bucky smiled and turned around to see Steve smiling back. ‘’Sleep well?’’

 

‘’Yeah. Thanks, pal.’’ Bucky nodded.

 

‘’Hope that couch wasn’t too hard.’’ Steve grinned.

 

Bucky’s smile faded. Of course he wouldn’t remember, he was exhausted and probably wasn’t thinking straight. Either way, it stung. Bucky chuckled, so Steve wouldn’t catch on to anything.

 

‘’We have a lot to talk about, don’t we?’’ Bucky asked and sat down. Steve sighed. ‘’Yeah, we do.’’

 

‘’Are you mad at me?’’ Bucky whispered.

 

‘’No, I’m not. I wish you’d have told me before, but I understand your reasoning. I’d have been terrified too. I’m glad you’re back.’’

 

Bucky smiled. ‘’I’m glad you’re back, too.’’

 

‘’Where have you been all these years?’’

 

‘’Wakanda. They sheltered me, gave me a new arm.’’ Bucky gestured to his metal arm, with gold accents.

 

‘’How’d they get the resources for that? Aren’t they rather poor?’’ Steve wondered.

 

Bucky had to stop himself. ‘’Yeah, they are. I don’t know how they got it.’’

 

He’d meant to say no, that they were more technologically advanced than America, that they had plenty of everything, but then he remembered that T’Chaka had asked him to never tell anyone of their resources. And doing what he was asked to do was the least he could do, after all those years receiving shelter from them.

 

‘’You’ve been up to a lot these days, haven’t you?’’ Bucky broke the silence that had set in the air.

 

Steve laughed. ‘’Yeah, you could say that.’’

 

‘’I saw it on TV. Nicely done, I’m proud of you.’’

 

Steve looked at him, almost surprised but smiling. He stood up and sat down next to Bucky.

 

‘’How did you-‘’ he hesitated.

 

‘’Figure out I’m immortal?’’ Bucky finished the sentence. Steve nodded sheepishly.

 

‘’I was to be sacrificed to the gods to stop a string of earthquakes that had been devastating my island, Crete. I was picked because I was born out of wedlock and both my parents were dead, so it was decided I had nothing to live for and that I wasn’t worth anything. Before the ritual could be performed, there was a gigantic earthquake that demolished the temple and everything surrounding it. Everyone around me died, and when the roof fell on top of me I was sure I was going to die too. I woke up a few hours later and managed to break free from the rubble, only to find the entire island in ruins.’’

 

Steve sat there quietly, deep in thought. ‘’What did you do after that?’’

 

‘’I escaped to the Greek mainland and started a new life. I educated myself, I worked, I did whatever I could do to hide my past. Whenever something happened that implied I was immortal, I escaped. I hardly opened up to anyone, I was very much solo. I travelled a lot at night, so that’s how I grew to love the stars. They were so much clearer back then, with no light pollution. You could see so much more.’’

 

Steve listened intently to every word that left Bucky’s lips.

 

‘’At first, I hoped I’d just gotten lucky in that earthquake, that I wasn’t immortal and had just been in the right place at the right time. But eventually, after almost dying a couple of times, I realized that the worst was the truth.’’

 

Bucky noticed a tear on Steve’s cheek just before he wiped it away.

 

‘’I’m proud of you, Buck.’’ he whispered. ‘’Thank you for trusting me.’’

 

Bucky smiled at Steve before Steve pulled him into a tight hug. After a few moments, they pulled away.

 

‘’I’d love for you to tell me everything. Where you went after Greece, what you learned, what you witnessed, everything.’’

 

Bucky beamed. ‘’It’s a very long story. I’ll tell you eventually, but I’d rather do it in smaller pieces. I’ve blocked a lot of my past out of my memory because of trauma and having it all come back to me at once would be overwhelming.’’

 

Steve nodded. ‘’Of course.’’

 

\---

 

Bucky was glad he opened up to Steve. He hadn’t ever done that before, even with people that knew of his immortality. No one knew his nationality, his age, his roots. Bucky did miss Crete. He hadn’t been there since he left in 1572 BC, after the earthquake. He wanted to go back soon.

 

When archaeologists had discovered the temple where Bucky was going to be sacrificed, he had debated going back to see it, but he ultimately decided not to. He’d been too scared. But now, Bucky was excited. Excited to see how his island, his home, had changed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! i hate to promote myself, but i recently uploaded a new stevebucky au, and i'd be super grateful if you guys gave it a read :) it's called 'to wait for you is all i can do' i love what i have so far,the chapters will be longer but that means that i'll update less frequently! if you're into angst i think you'd like it! thank you all again for the love on this fic, it really makes me happy <3


	10. Chapter 10

Steve took Bucky to see their spots in Brooklyn. He even took them to the alley where they first met.

 

‘’How did you find this place again?’’ Bucky asked as Steve removed the blindfold he’d put on Bucky to surprise him.

 

‘’When I got out of the ice I tried to find as many places from back then that still existed. Turns out the cinema is still being operated.’’ Steve said.

 

‘’Gosh, I haven’t seen a movie in years.’’ Bucky mutters.

 

‘’Really? Why not?’’ Steve asked and furrowed his eyebrows.

 

‘’Didn’t have anyone to go with.’’ Bucky said.

 

Steve turned to smile at him. ‘’You do now.’’

 

Bucky nodded. He certainly did.

 

‘’This is crazy. I feel like we were here yesterday, you trying to fend off someone twice your size, and I had to come in to save you.’’ Bucky smirked.

 

‘’Hey, I had him on the ropes.’’ Steve protests.

 

‘’Sure you did.’’ Bucky smiled.

 

Bucky noticed that Steve had inched closer to him and their hands were almost touching. He wanted to close the gap, he wanted to touch him. Everywhere.

 

Bucky had loved Steve for so long, he finally felt like he was whole again. He didn’t care that there was nothing between them, all he needed was Steve.

 

Bucky was finally home.

 

\---

 

They saw a movie at the old cinema. It was some movie about a wizard who was trying to defeat some guy with no nose. Steve and Bucky had never heard of it before, but all around them there were people sobbing their eyes out over various moments in the movie. Some guy named Fred died and the girl sitting next to Steve nearly had a heart attack. They probably looked like absolute idiots, whispering to each other: ‘’what does that mean?’’ and various other questions. A man in front of them gave them a very condescending look, and Bucky wanted to sink into the earth.

 

When the movie was finally over, it was dark. Bucky noticed that you could hardly see the stars anymore, not as much as in Wakanda. That upset him. He remembered nights out on the balcony with Steve, back in the 40s. They’d lay down a bunch of blankets and look at the stars for hours, and talk about anything and everything. Bucky missed the 40s, when it was just the two of them. Sure, Steve was weak, and frail, and he’s much healthier now, but Bucky could tell that Steve didn’t feel like he belonged in this century. Everything was so knew, and they didn’t have any time to adjust to it. They were just thrown into this and told to get used to it.

 

Before Bucky met Steve, he wished to die. After he lost Steve, he wished to die. But now, he wished to live. He had something to live for. Something to believe in. Someone to love.

 

‘’Shall we get back, then?’’ Steve asked after they walked for a few minutes in silence. Bucky nodded.

 

They got a taxi, and their hands were inches away from each other. Bucky took a deep breath as he tried to look out of the window, but his eyes kept going back to Steve. Their eyes met for a split second, before Steve looked away.

 

They went to Steve’s room, and Steve went straight to bed. Bucky didn’t. He sat on the couch for hours, looking at Steve’s silhouette that was illuminated by the moon. He wished there was a way to make time stop, so he could look at him forever. There was always something new to look at. Every mole, every curve, every hair even.

 

Bucky could stare at Steve forever.

 

He eventually did go to sleep, at around two in the morning. He wanted nothing more than to get into bed with Steve, but he decided not to.

 

He felt the pain in his chest as he turned away from Steve, and tried to distract himself.

 

He was nervous that Steve would think Bucky changed, and kick him out. He didn’t want to lose Steve, not again. Never again. Steve hadn’t changed, not a bit. Bucky was worried _he’d_ changed, for worse. Bucky didn’t think he was a good man. Maybe he was taught that, when he was told that he was a freak, that he didn’t deserve to live. That he was cursed. But Steve didn’t seem to see that, and if he didn’t see it, then Bucky had no reason to tell him.

 

Eventually he’d figure it out, and he’d leave. Bucky knew that, he’d always known. He cherished every day with Steve because of it. Hell, he expected Steve to not want anything to do with him after their first meeting. The circumstances were weird, but Bucky felt something in him drag him towards Steve.

 

Maybe it was destiny, or just dumb luck. Either way, it led him here.

 

Bucky didn’t know if he believed in destiny, or that everything happens for a reason. Sure, some things have changed him, maybe for the better, but that doesn’t mean it was supposed to happen. Just a series of coincidences, surely. That led him here.

 

Bucky closed his eyes, and all he saw was Steve. He saw Steve smile, cry and laugh. He saw him in pain, he saw him jumping from joy. He saw things he’d never seen before.He saw Steve cry in a tent in Europe. He saw Steve’s hand clutch their tags. He saw Steve after Bucky fell off the train. He saw him kill the rest of the Germans on the train, fuelled by rage and pain. He saw him demand that they search the ravine to find my body. He saw Steve cry once again after hearing they found nothing.He saw Steve smile slightly as he flew a plane into the ocean. He saw his hand clutch the tags once again.

 

He heard Steve whisper his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no see. i've been writing another fic that should be up within the next few months, and i've also been fighting writer's block for this fic hahah. i have missed writing this, and i hope you enjoyed this chapter <3


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